01 November, 2011

If you say it aloud

Maybe it will come true?

I apologize for leaving you all hanging the past few weeks. The truth is…I am sort of “at capacity” right now. I am in such a tizzy most of the time that I cannot even focus on making a to-do list to get my shit done. And that just sucks.

I have this project at school and as always, at first I was incredibly excited about it, but now I am beginning to feel the scope of the project weigh heavily on every single decision I make. Not groovy. I am talking about that constant nagging. That wake up at 5 AM and think about fixtures (its for a retail design project). Fixtures. Display cases. Lighting. Color. Schematic details. Rendering. All of these words are sending me into a tailspin of doom. And worst of all? I have become highly UNmotivated to finish off the semester strong.

I guess I am still sort of pissed off about the crappy group project that started the year. I blame my maiden name, since the groups were assigned alphabetically and I have been too lazy to change my name at school.

So where does this lead me? Well, honestly right now I am sort of in that “second guessing every thing in my life” stage. I have worked so hard for the past 3 years to change my life. Lead it in a direction that suits me. A creative and disciplined field full of creative and awesome people. I long to belong to a group full of round table discussions and meetings about the future of sustainable FF&E while drinking lattes and letting my hair grow to my butt because it produces a “statement”. I have never doubted who I am, but rather…what I am here to do. What will make me happy. Often, I feel that maybe I have missed the boat on opportunities because I am not as young as I think I am and I wasted my college years getting drunk and dressing up.  Or maybe those years full of indulgences make me the strong and capable artist that I am, and in between hangovers I learned a lot of really great and valuable lessons?

As it stands right now, I have a handful of classes left. Classes that will undoubtedly stress me out, create that “design monster” who likes to be left alone and is either painfully silent or nervously anxious and expelling precious energy producing nothing, like Larry David on Curb…and I hate that show.

Back to the title. If I say it aloud….maybe my dreams will come true. So right now, I have decided to recommit to all things that are serving me in my life. I am off to make my to do list now..

Wish me luck.

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